Part Three: Living an Ordered Family Life

# Bringing Order to the Family

The biblical standard for the family is that families should function like well-oiled machines, fulfilling the purposes for which God designed them. The purpose of the family is to have order and bring order to the world. Here is how:

- The husband leads the family by living an ordered personal life so that he can bring order to the family by leading and loving his wife and children, both spiritually and physically.
- The wife nurtures the family by living an ordered personal life so that she can bring order to the home as a homemaker, an endearing title that includes bearing children, raising children, and providing the tender love and care that God has designed women to provide.
- The children are to contribute to the order of the home by obeying their parents and the order they establish, so that they can grow up to be husbands and fathers, wives and mothers, church members and employees who bring order to the world.

Here is the reality—many homes are chaotic and lack order. Homes lack order to varying degrees, and every home should always be striving to establish and cultivate greater order.

I am not advocating for uniformity or merely a particular kind of organizational structure. Two families will not be the same organizationally—partly because of personalities, maturity, and influences. So this is not a one-size-fits-all approach, but rather a call for every family to seek, in every way possible, to be ordered under the Lordship of Christ.

Also, excuses cannot be made if order is going to be accomplished and continually cultivated. Excuse-making kills the life-giving spirit necessary for a home (men, women, and children) to function properly. Excuse-making is like trying to swim with a cinder block tied to your ankle. And the tough part is that you look back and realize it's not a cinder block, but a member of your family whom you love and care for, yet who is dragging the family down because of their constant excuses.

Here are five aspects that have helped bring order to my family.

## 1. Biblical Patriarchy

The family must be ordered theologically first. Biblical patriarchy is a term that I believe most faithfully encapsulates the biblical roles and responsibilities of men and women. Many will oppose the term or deem it unnecessary, but I have found it helpful.

Let me summarize the matter. There are three schools of thought:

1. Egalitarianism: This view generally maintains that men and women should not be distinguished by gender-based roles or restrictions in the home and church. Anything a man can do, a woman can do, and vice versa. You could imagine how many roadblocks this view runs into.

2. Complementarianism: This is the most common evangelical view and is largely influenced by the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, which published the Danvers Statement. This view says that men and women are uniquely different and have complementary roles and responsibilities. The weakness of this view is not necessarily its theology but often its application. Some complementarians say the right thing but seem unclear about how it influences real life.

   Disclaimer: I love complementarianism and many complementarians, but I personally would like greater clarity and consistency regarding the practical roles and responsibilities of men and women than I often find within contemporary complementarianism.

3. Biblical Patriarchy: The term literally refers to father-rule or male leadership. Many think this theological position is one that is only for men, but it is not. God’s order according to the Scriptures is that men are to lead in the spheres of responsibility entrusted to them. Everything rises and falls on male leadership. But it also gives clarity on the liberties and restrictions, according to the Bible, for women. I believe this is the most robust theological framing of gender roles and responsibilities. Of course, there are people who adhere to this position who may take it too far. I am sure that happens, but I would want to evaluate those situations individually rather than dismiss the entire position because of its abuses.

I am convinced that many Christians do not have a well-developed theological position regarding what men and women are supposed to do. If that is the case, how could order possibly be brought into the homes of Christians?

Of course, the Bible does not speak with precision to every matter, but it most certainly gives principles that are lost on many Christians.

I am not giving exhaustive details of these views, but arguing that your theology forms your practice, and if you do not have a theology of the home, your home will struggle to function according to God's design.

And as a patriarchalist—men, this is your job to figure out, take responsibility for, and lead accordingly.

## 2. Joyful Duties

Once you have a theology of the home, then you are able to actually begin living an ordered family life. Here is my plea, and to take it a step further, my charge to each member of the family—fulfill your duties with joy!

As Christians, the word “duty” often sounds like legalism, and we have been trained to hate legalism. We should hate legalism, but duty should not be equated with legalism at all. Our duties as Christians are the obligations we have to obey God in everything He has revealed in His Word.

We do not have the liberty to obey God whenever we feel like doing it. The word “duty” means “a moral, ethical, or legal obligation to perform an action, a specific task required by one's job or position.”

God has not left us without instruction concerning how we ought to live, and because as Christians we believe that the Scriptures are authoritative, inspired, inerrant, and sufficient, we ought to obey them right away, all the way, and with a joyful heart.

From my own experience, and I suppose every reader could agree—the responsibilities and duties of family life reveal just how selfish I can be. Some might say they reveal pride, and I agree, but the term "selfishness" has a more particular sting to it.

As members of the families that God has given to us, we have an obligation to fulfill our duties externally and internally. We should not fulfill an external duty without internal joy, and might I add, with as much external joy as we can muster!

The man who goes to work to provide for his family but is “poochy-mouthed” about it is not fulfilling his duty as he ought. Leading family worship with an authoritative, heavy hand—not doing your job. Considering your wife’s wisdom, thoughts, and emotions with a “blah, blah, blah, get done already” kind of mindset—not doing your job.

The woman who tends to the children but constantly compares her schedule and obligations as a homemaker to her husband's, with a grumpy heart—not doing your job. Submitting externally, but internally hating it? Not doing your job.

Brothers and sisters, these are duties that honor God and are to be done with joy. We should not ditch the duty for a false sense of joy, but neither should we fulfill the duty and forsake the command to do so joyfully.

## 3. Family Worship

This is not an article defending family worship, but here is a brief summary of a practice for which I believe both Scripture and church history provide strong support: Christian families should ordinarily gather to read the Bible, discuss the Bible, sing together, and pray together on a daily basis.

When do we do it? A good friend of mine always said, “Aim for twice, always hit once.”

Doing daily family worship will bring SO MUCH order to your home. It slows you down, it slows the family down, it slows the world down.

On excuses, see the comments above—there is no good reason for the consistent neglect of this duty as a Christian.

## 4. Family Meetings

We are talking about bringing order to the home. This is not simply spiritual order, but organizational order also. The family needs to be on the same page with the calendar and budget. Family meetings are the times when the family (including the children, as age-appropriate) sits down to communicate about the calendar and budget.

In our home, we do this weekly for the calendar and monthly for the budget.

## 5. The Family at Church

The church is more important than you may think here because the church is one of the primary places where the family learns to have order.

They do so by gathering at a church that is rightly ordered according to the Scriptures. They gather with other families who are seeking to order their homes. And they are surrounded by men and women who are living ordered personal lives.

The church is where you learn the skills and principles from other people and families who love the Lord and love you.

It is nearly impossible for a family to live an ordered life without ordering its family life around the church.

Just a practical yet anecdotal thought about order, the family, and the church.

What is the stigma surrounding families trying to get to church on Sunday mornings? Chaos, right?

Well, how does that stigma avoid becoming a reality? Very simple—order in the home. Clothes laid out ahead of time, everyone waking up on time, expectations communicated in love, and everyone working together.

The crazy, scattered family that arrives at church on two wheels with the wife’s makeup half done, the toddler's shoes on backwards, one kid wearing a bow tie and shorts, another wearing a Spider-Man suit, and then wrestles through a chaotic worship service is a picture of a family lacking order.

Now, I realize that even the most orderly families will occasionally have mornings like this! But the question is whether chaos is the exception or the ordinary pattern of family life.

Perhaps a family is capable of showing up on time, dressed for the occasion of the Lord’s Day, and able to reasonably participate in the service as a family. One may seem like reality and the other may seem like a fantasy-land ideal, but the difference between the two is often simply a matter of order.

I hope these thoughts are helpful in bringing order to your home!

SDG

Ryan